u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
