i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
