what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
