Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
