Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
