I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
