thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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