If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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