should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
