Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
