Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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