I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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