There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
