When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
