the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
