Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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