I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
