So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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