I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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