they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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