i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
