I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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