Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
