how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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