Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
