my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize