so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
