I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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