Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
