You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
