In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
