I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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