ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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