I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize