I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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