I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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