The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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