I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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