remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
