You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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