I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
