There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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