Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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