There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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