while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
