It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
