Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
