fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
