I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
