shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
