if we break up, who will get the dealer?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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