i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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