i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
