Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
