My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
