Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
